How To Cook Halibut
Coming soon: One of my finest articles called "Married to the Mob" in next month's Hustler. Be on the lookout.
I am watching how to cook halibut on the Food Channel's "Everyday Italian" show and I thought of something. There are so many things in life that you cannot have at that instant. For instance, if you want to watch a new movie, you have to go to a theater. I want to eat halibut right now but I don't want to spend the time buying the ingredients or cooking it. But there must be a god because the one desire we have and very rarely want to wait for is sex. God gave us the gift of masturbation because when you are horny you can just jerk off right then and there. You don't have to shower or get dressed in nice clothes or put on some Drakkar Noir. You can just drop your pants in front of a porno and make it happen. Even though I am an atheist I am starting believe in god because of this wonderful gift.
So since I have not ejaculated in a while, I just jerked off. The difference between cumming by yourself or with a woman is minimal. So why even bother. Masturbation is a wonderful substitution for the real act. When I was the publisher of Screw and having sex three to five times a day, the changing face of romance was very clear to me. I wasn't really having sex, I was eating pussy. I started Screw when I was 32 and from then until it went bankrupt in when I was 68 I had a plethora of pussy. I had an act. I had a rhythm. I would hug her (because women like this), then throw her on her stomach and eat her ass for five to 20 minutes. This would drive her nuts. I would then eventually cum in her mouth. My favorite hump of all time Linnea, as you know, would beg me for my "Jew Juice."
I do not study pussy like I used to. Pharmaceuticals and age have dissipated my sex drive. But when the rare urge does arrive I fantasize about sucking toes. My last wife Christine, I never penetrated her, but had great clean toes which I loved. I don't know why, maybe it is sublimated cock-sucking. I used to like to run my tongue around her little piggies and drive her and I crazy. This is the path I am traveling down. Strange, I know. By the time I turn 80 I will probably be sucking on exhaust pipes.
posted by Al Goldstein @ 6:36 PM
36 comments
36 Comments:
I wonder if either Claritin or Zyrtec affects a person's sex drive? However, I've heard that your over-the-counter antihistamines can raise your blood pressure.
Al,
I agree with you that masturbation is as close as we're going to get to proof of god and that's one reason why I have been blogging about masturbation for years:
mitchhaase.blogspot.com
What's up with you not porking Christine? Was her pussy rancid?
God damn that's an excellent photo, I can almost see your cock!
Mitch Haase
Al,
Almost forgot...what was that dude doing behind you? Was he there to fluff you up or to be on top so you could be the Lucky Pierre?
Mitch Haase
People who masturbate live longer. But then those who have a partner to help them live longer still.
Al, there's a jar of Kraft's mayonnaise on the table behind you. Did you use it for sandwiches or sex?
Since veggie oil, K-y or vaseline are autosexual old school, this is a perfect opportunity for Al to become a porn celeb sponsor for jerk off lube. There is big money in pervert voyeurism if you put your name on a brand of masturbatory meatbeat juice.
Holy shit Al, do you even have a cock?
al, what is that shit you're drinking? the guy behind you looks disgusted with you, like you're finishing the last of his malt liquor.
Man those are ugly looking women!
GeorgetheAtheist,
Those women are hot and I can't imagine you saying no to any of them. I think your bummed because your not in Al's pictures.
Let's see the women your dating and why not share some pictures of your own?
Why not?
Al,
All of your archived posts since May 11 2007 are inaccessible for some reason. You should tell booble to fix that.
hey al, what do you think about when you jerk off? do you prefer any special techniques like a thumb up your ass?
Anonymous said: "Let's see the women your [sic] dating and why not share some pictures of your own? Why not?"
Here's why not: I am not your Bacciagalupe Hurdy-Gurdy man's trained monkey!
Let me give you posters some advice: I don't GIVE info away like most schmuck-idiot posters do; I CHARGE for it! One time use. All other rights reserved.
You want photos? Make an offer to PAY me. Right Al?
hey al, it looks like you have a vagina in that photo.
if deliverance is ever remade, i hope you are cast in ned beatty's role and the rape scene is extended and more graphic.
GeorgetheAtheist,
I suppose the hard-hitting reply may have something to do with your proud association with the late Ayn Rand?
It sounds like you won't put out without cash in your hand so we will all have to wait like were waiting for Al's Linda Lovelace pictures. I was hoping you would surprise us and share something though. Perhaps you will change your mind?
Everyone on this post is sharing time with you and giving you tons of attention. Isn't that worth more than money? What's in it for us and what's in it for you? It's your time too and once it's up....
Serious question. Al, if you had it all to do again, would you trade 7K porn ho and ball & chain gold digger pussy for 7000 fucks with a life time mate? Just asking...
salamiswami,
are kidding?
al is a major league asshole and he's that way to everyone! friends, family, business associates...
being an asshole can work for you in business but not in love.
Al never wanted just one woman and as long as honesty is involved then what's wrong with that?
I know Al has admitted to cheating on a few of his wives and one could make bigger mistakes!
Al's mistake was not sticking to open relationships v. closed.
The infidelity almost killed him and he has paid a price.
i think M is writing as anonymous above and not signing her posts.
Anonymous, please stop the whining and groveling. It is unbecoming of you and not worthy of this distinguished blog site.
Great post! I look forward to reading your article in Hustler! I hope it leads to more writing assignments for you with Hustler and beyond!
al, i think you need to go back to insulting your readers.
the people who post here are the most ignorant, clueless bunch of losers i've ever seen.
what's it like to be a genius yet have to cater to a mass of morons for the past 30 years? no wonder you have so many ego issues.
HAVANA (AP) — New President Raul Castro's government has lifted a ban on Cubans staying at hotels previously reserved for foreigners.
Cuban nationals will also be allowed to pay for other hotel services, including gyms.
A resolution signed by the Interior Commerce Ministry on March 21 also authorized the sale of computers, microwaves and DVD players.
On Friday, Cuba authorized its citizens to obtain mobile phones.
Viva La Revolución!
Seems like Raul Castro is going by the Chinese path i.e. staying communist in name while becoming capitalist in practice. The dictatorship will probably remain, but still, it's better to have a good economic system and a lousy political one than having both a lousy political system and catastrophic economic one.
Al, fame and fortune are fleeting and old age is a train wreck. Word of advice. If you wish to be reincarnated and live again, don't rely on the seed and offspring of your son who hates you.
Take special note of this and don't forget. Before you are ready to croke, pay to inseminate and impregnate some concubine. And you'll only spend months in afterlife limbo and your soul will be reborn in the new child.
In the new life, you'll get a fresh new start and grow up to be the first Jewish President. Shalom.
alan,
funny, i was just lying in bed jerking off, thinking the same thing about the chinese & cubans.
But JAP, can Al even afford to have his gene pool mix frozen for artificial insemination into the next life?
And how is it that his wigglies are not contaminated and rendered sterile by his aged human pharamcy physique?
cuba allows citizens to stay in hotels:
Thank you for posting that information.
A few weeks ago, one of the resident fascists (Yemach Shemo Vezichro) challenged me to post "a single medical innovation" from a People's nation. I posted several, most notably the phenomenal Cuban meningitis vaccine that has left amerikan doctors scratching their heads in wonder. Obviously humiliated, the fascist cretin never responded and was forced to abandon his own provocation. He's probably still off in a corner somewhere licking his wounds, or he simply decided to slither back underneath his rock. LOL!
Incidentally, Cuba has also made remarkable advances in cancer research that the West will benefit from this year. Cubans, of course, will have free access to these treatments, while the unspeakably wretched amerikan pharmaceutical industry will exploit the opportunity to suck the economic blood of cancer sufferers! I cannot think of a better textbook definition for the word evil.
If I were Raúl I would only release these drugs to amerika with a stipulation that absolutely no profits are to be made from these therapies by the greedy vampires of Big Pharma. Sort of a GNU License applied to panacea. If anything on this planet should be free, it is life-saving medication. That there are monsters out who are permitted (and even encouraged) to take advantage of cancer patients with complete impunity speaks volumes about amerika's fascist "health care" system.
Viva La Revolución!
funny how the people who defend cuba have never lived there.
talk to someone who has lived there. you won't find anyone who wants to go back.
i've contracted for univision and telemundo and have had the pleasure of working with many intelligent, talented cubans. every one of them told me about how they couldn't wait to get the hell out and would never go back.
Al,
Do you enjoy the pleasures of strap-on buttplugs?
Al should have had 5 children and 1 wife; instead of 5 wives and 1 child. I know his son, and he's a WINNER. The world needs more Jordan Ari Goldsteins and less ex-wives of Al.
Al, have you ever thought of visiting Cuba for your medical conditions?
Dear Mr. Goldstein,
Just wanted to drop by and say I love your blog, and have read your book 3 times so far. I was surprised to see that my distant relative, Carl Przybylla, helped you get some money to start Screw.
I also love how almost every one of my favorite cartoonists graced the cover of your paper.
Thanks again,
Andy P.
www.myspace.com/cocheezy123
why moose? so he can accuse 4 more WINNER kids of stealing watches from him?
Kan vara ett bra tips på sexleksaker
Jag har precis köpt en underbara anal dildo på
http://intimleksaker.com
och en vaginapump på
http://intimleksaker.se
Rekommenderar sexleksaker för relationen =)
gettig old too, you make me feel good, there is so much virility on ths blog :-)
to
andyp123
The Dickies
good choice!
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